Still Searching....

I wanna hate, but i can't

I wanna love, but i can't

I wanna trust, but i can't

I wanna betray, but i can't

I wanna win, but i can't

I wanna loose, but i can't

I still wanna live, but i can't

i wanna give up and die, but i can't

Coz fate's never been on my side and never allows me to get what i want

That's why i am a loner still searching for many answers !!

P.S: Merry Christmas to all of my readers......

Something Silly

I can't think of any other better name for it, coz its really silly to write letter to santa at this age .Infact i haven't written any letter to santa at all......But this time coz its a challenge sort of thing by a kiddo, sonshu so m taking it....

So here is my wishlist that i would want to get fulfilled:

1. My mom's good health(if only this too get fulfilled i don't care for any other wish)

2. An AUDI A4

3. A lappy with the config i have in mind

4. As i am too confused abt wad to do to become what i want, i want a "Map sort of thing" that can only tell me from where i have to start (i don't want to reach their directly as it mars its enjoyment i just want someone to show me the path)

5. Got rid of a bad habit ( :P habit can't b disclosed)

6. A private gym with a trainer

7. An invisible cloak (that would really be awesome to have)

Dat's all for now.......lets see if any of them gets fulfilled....

P.S: I am just waiting to see is first time letters ever answered?

First Dance - Tagged again

I was tagged by zave and sonshu for this, nd finally I thought of doing it as I haven’t completed a tag from a long tym……

I exactly get the answers matching for some questions below, and even to some ques whom answer I am searching. May b destiny has its own ways…..

Here it goes:

Rules::

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, IPOD etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

1. If someone asks you, “are you okay ? ?” you say:

No Love - Eminem

(Don’t know exactly but may be that myt b an answer)

2. How would you describe yourself ?

So Bad – Eminem

(Haven’t ever thought that this will come up, exactly the truth that’s goiin to happen)

3. What do you like in a guy/girl ?

Seduction - eminem

(No comments :P)

4. How do you feel today ?

Love the way you lie – eminem

(That’s the way I feel sometimes buut not xactly tday)

5. What is your life’s purpose ?

You and me – Justin bieber

(yeah that myt b a purpose too ;)

6. What’s your motto ?

Going through changes – eminem

(absolutely ryt boss…..dun’t knw shuffling cn give answers to u sumtyms)


7. What do your friends think of you ?

Tears don’t fall – Bullet for my valentine

(only they can answer it better)

8. What do your parents think of you?

Say goodbye to Hollywood - eminem

(no sense of it at all, but wad cn I do)

9. What do you think of often ?

That should be me - JB

(another direct hit, really I think somethings r definitely nt planned by us)

10. What is 2 + 2 ?

U smile - JB

(again nt makin ne sense here)

11. What do you think of your best friend ?

Without me – eminem

(well this myt b close to abt 75%)

12. What is your life story ?

Business - eminem

(lolll never think lyk dat)

13. What do you want to be when you grow up ?

Say what you say - eminem

(no idea)

14. What do you think when you see the person you like ?

Don’t go – JLS

(again a destined truth, hw cn dat happen yaar…..unbelievable)

15. What will you dance to at your wedding 4th anniversary?

Kiss and tell - JB

(lolll dat vl make a good song though)

16. What will they play at your funeral ?

Someboldy to love - JB

(I wud love if dey play “In The End – LP” but this is not bad though)

17. What is your hobby/interest ?

Angel – flipside

(no idea again abt it)

18. What is your biggest fear ?

Missing – flipside

(may b I fear of loosing my loved ones a lot)

19. What is your biggest secret ?

Happy birthday – flipside

(hv to think myself abt it :P )

20. What do you want right now ?

You and me - JB

(yeah I myt need a gf nw ;)

(@ zave wad u say :P )

21. What do you think of your friends?

Drips – eminem

(nt lyk dat atleast)

22. When you want to rush to the toilet, what do you think ?

Love me – JB

(:P atleast nt dat)

23. Person you hate the most is in front of you, what will you tell the person ?

Runaway – LP

(dats true I guess coz my anger lemme loose ma control)

24. You have just won a lottery. What will you sing ?

Down to earth – JB

(dat wud b a ryt at dat tym )

25. What will you post this as?

First dance – JB

(yeah may b coz I hv eagerly taken a tag aftr a long long tym)

I would love to tag Naina, Raaji ,Satyu and shas

P.S: Nowadaz I am having Eminem most in ma songs list, it wud b much fun if have a lot odr songs

Life's Not Over YET !!!!

A long holiday from college give me ample time to think about things.....

Everything was seeming to fall apart, and things aren't under control still at this time...

But thin long gap has made me realize that may be giving up isn't the only choice i have

Yeah, it's the most easy one at this time though

But keep moving is another alternative

May be still i am afraid of failures that might follow me in future

And past is haunting me again with full power

Still somewhere i have gained strength to stand

Until i am tormented in pieces by all pressures

So i am going to try till my last breath

Until my life's over

And if i am back here, then

Life's not over yet.....

P.S: i am back on blogger,still not regularly though, but i feel that's the place i can't ignore in my life...

Behind That Smile

Smile

A very pretty thing

People say that it can ease all your problems

But is it does so actually?

At least never does for me

I always bear a smile on my face

No matter what’s happening

But it don’t part from my face

That led people to think in different ways about me

Some think that I am cool….

Some others think I have no tension

Others have a view that I have become too casual

Some even say that I am too arrogant and egoist

But

No one ever knows that this is just a portrait smile

No one has noticed that it’s just of the fixed size always

Coz it just hide all that’s beneath it

All agony, pain, frustration, disappointments

Just everything

And I don’t have a single person who can see it

I have broken many times in the past

But have stood up every time

But everything has a limit

I am no superhero who has infinite courage

I am too human

I too feel pain

I too feel helplessness

I too want someone’s shoulder to cry on

I want some one to tell me what should I do?

Where should I head now?

I am too exhausted to stand by myself again

But

Yeah my life’s full of this “BUT”

I am saying all this is vain

I know that

Coz there’s no one to hear

I know my fate would never be grateful to me

And this time I am just getting buried

With a faster pace

Yeah, but still with that smile on my face

That fixed portrait smile

So everyone can again make their own judgments

about me standing by my cascade

I just wish at least a single person ever know “who was I actually?”

But I think no one can ever read the real face

Behind that smile.

(P.S: Its one the random thoughts that going on in my mind right now........can't help putting it out.)

Friendship....

It's not just about laughing at silly jokes,

It's also about sharing a shoulder to cry

It's not just about going on trips and enjoy,

It's also about holding your hand when things are falling apart

It's not just about doing mischievous things together,

It's about standing by your side when whole world is against you

It's not just about yesterday,today or tomorrow,

It's about being friends till the end

It's not just about friendship,

its about the friendship we share....

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY

Someone has to fight.....

I can't back off now

I just can't

No matter how many tears my girl sheds

Coz I am leaving her alone now

But the path i have chosen

Demands me without any deviations

Without any emotions

Without any other priorities in life

It Just needs complete me.

A hard rock that can bear every pressure

I am not sure my path is sane or not

But i know i have to walk on it

Coz no one else will ever do it.

May be i get hatred and criticism in return

Or may be i loose even myself forever

But the step i have taken is inevitable

As the night has grown much darker now

And someone has to

Has to fight

For the dawn

Caught Behind The Mirror

Mirror

What an amazing creation?

It depicts our reflection in itself

Which shows us our true-selves

No matter what others are blabbering about you

Criticising you or appreciating you

Truth can always be seen in the mirror

In other words

It shows us our souls

From which we can't hide anything

But what when we are caught on the other side of it

From where we can't see any reflection

Coz we ourselves are the reflection now

We can't feel anything now

Noone's warmth

Noone's love

Just nothing

Can just see everyone passing by

It feels as if our soul has been snatched

It feels like getting trapped

Only our impression is on the mirror

Which is invisible to the outside world.......

Drug Named "LOVE"

I am fighting with this poison from many years

The poison thats destroying our youth

Which is making them a slave of itself

But i am encapsuled in its arms today

As nothing else might suffice for me now

Nothing else gives me strength to shoulder this grief

The grief of killing my own love

My love that's most precious for me

For me, a loner who is devoid of love

But i have no choice

Coz she's the one who is behind all this

Behind all the drug trafficking going on

And i can't let her carry on

Carry on this dirty business

And playing with life of innocent people

I did nothing wrong, but her last words

Words that she said while dying in my arms

"I am more addicted to your...........LOVE "

Words that echo in my head all day long

Coz i am a killer of myself

This poison business is totally eradicated now

But some of this poison is still with me

Getting accumulated in my blood

I might have won the battle against drugs

But i myself lost against the drug named "LOVE"

P.S: Feelings of an officer who eradicated drug trafficking but himself get encaptured in this poison..........

What I Never Said.....

I never meant to break your heart

Neither i ever want to leave you alone

But i have no choice

Coz from "You" and "Me"

I can only select "You"

And i know that's the right choice

May be you'll never know the truth

May be you'll hate me for the rest of your life

But i don't care

Coz what i care for, is now secure

"You" defines me

"You" completes me

Non-existence is much better than being................ incomplete

(p.s: i don't know what's going on in my mind, but please bear it if you don't like it, coz i am totally messed up nowadays......)

WHEN IT NO LONGER MATTERS

Vritika is in a great mood today. She has been promoted to a higher post and has bagged a handsome salary hike. One other reason for her smiling face being her parents’ accepting her idea of meeting her love’s parents’. Everything was going just perfect for her.

At day's end, as usual she opens up gmail, to share this information with all her friends.

As soon as the gmail popped up in front of her eyes, her smile gets a little faded coz the first mail in her inbox was an e-card from her ex-best friend Prasoon.

They both have been best friends till graduation but as a little mis-understanding always proved fatal for any relationship, same proves here breaking that strong bond. Prasoon had tried many times to persuade her to listen him, but he can’t succeed.

With time things become a little better and they decided to remain casual friends.Thus, now they exchange "hellos" and a little "how are you" stuff only ….

She calmed herself & her finger banged on the delete button,as she don’t wanna spoil her mood today……

A WEEK LATER

Vratika was sitting idle on her lappy and she realized that she hadn’t received any scraps from Prasoon from last many days, further looking in sb makes her aware that he hasn’t been in touch from last 2-3 months…..she faintly remember a day, when she was busy in a meeting arnd 20 days back ,she got a call from him but she cant accept it and then she forget about that ,coz she's too busy with her own life. Her heart was little worried and started pouncing.She quickly opened gmail & went to delete mails folder and hesitatingly opened that old e-card……..

It’s a beautiful card showing some beautiful moments between two friends and in last saying “Bye Forever”. She was shocked and confused,simultaneously…..and her mouth uttered “what th hell is that”.

Then her eyes gazed at the personal message beyond th card, but she can’t stop cursing herself after reading that:

If you get this e-card, it means I am no more in this world…….I know may be you take it as a joke from my side, but this time its true…..so much true that even after so desperately wanting to be with you right now and laugh at these words........I can not……..

Well, I got an injury last year and that will exaggerate to the extent that it will devoid me of my life, I haven’t ever imagined that. Finally, I am flowing to America for my last surgery in which my chances of returning are very less.So I used this card to tell you my ought to be last words that I can’t say directly.

I miss you a lot dear….really , I can’t tell how I am leading my life without my best friend by my side.I miss sharing all those stupid secrets and the small fights that occur almost daily and those college bunks and consoling you when you feel low after scoring badly and that dish that you once cooked all by yourself and................ huhhhh, there's so much of those sweet memories.

You know what trouble me most is that all this came to an end just coz you started loving me and I can’t accept you more than as a best friend and you started thinking that I just used you. I can’t even think in that way ever ……But you never geve me.a chance to explain all this to you.I just wish I can see you & talk with you one last time before leaving, but it seems quite an impossible task but still I will call you for sure before going to the OT ,may be you pick up this time. So that's all crap i wanna utter before you, hope i can see this letter again and laugh at it sitting next to you.Lastly, i would like to say these:

No matter wherever i go

I will always remain by your side

If life remains, then as a supporting shoulder

And if not,then as the wind, that around you glide.

I wish you get all the success & happiness in life .

With all the world’s happiness and regards

Your so called best friend

Prasoon

She got wet in the rainfall of her own tears and sadness, but all that remorse can't undone the things.All possible may be's come in her mind, but she can't get positive result of any of them...........Now, she was left with only memories of him.Prasoon always say : "Friendship between a guy and a gal is a blessing, unless it turns to an one sided love", she always take it as a joke but understand it's meaning now, at a time when it no longer matters.

There's No Dawn For Me

I am fighting

And fighting

And fighting

With this darkness from a long long time.

Again I get bruised, broken and defeated

But making the enemy more weaker

I am so desperate for dawn that I keep trying

Again and again and again

Why??

Why???

Even after putting so much effort

Bearing so much pain

Shedding so much blood

I can’t reach for the dawn till now??

This question was unanswered as always

But a hope that next battle will be the last one

Drives power in my broken body

Battle gets fiercer every time

Demanding more of my blood

And giving more bruises

But this time things get in my control

And finally I won

Yes, I get passed from the darkness

And rode the path leading to the dawn

My victory was sweet but some what bitter too

As I was standing at the line separating

Dark night and the dawn

I see backward and remembered

Whenever darkness was occupied with me

Many weak people who were trapped in darkness

From a long time

Reach for their destination

Easily, effortlessly and

Without shedding their blood

Is it really worth to reach for the dawn??

My absence from darkness means

Many of them will remain trapped in darkness forever

Though my presence in dawn doesn’t matter for anyone

But my presence in darkness

Ensures a safe passage for many

These thoughts overpower my desperation for dawn.

I took a closer look at the dawn and said, “Next time”

I return back

Back to the battle ground

Back to my armors and swords

Coz I realized that the real battle has just begun

All my questions were answered today

As deep inside I now know that:

“There’s Never A Dawn For Me”

.

Loneliness Doesn't Haunt Me Anymore

Locked inside a dark room

My nerves were down

My eyes filled with fear

My face seems pale

Was looking around the dark room

With lost hopes

And shattered dreams

Loneliness haunts me

Suddenly the door opened

Some light blinded my eyes

Beneath the light was a girl

To me she seems like snow white

She clinched my hand

And bring me to outer world

To my surprise

It dusn’t seem so worse

Lyf has changed completely

In an instant of time

Sorrows get replaced by happiness

And tears with smile

To me it’s a new beginning

With a new hope and thinking

My world seems blessed

With a friend like that

The sun sets again

And snatched light from my life too

The person who give me light

Left me alone in that dark night

I tried to figure out the things

But all goes in vain

As my life again proves to me

That its all about losses more than gain

Tired and broken I came back

Thinking of the reasons

That gave me this setback

The light turned off

The room gets bolted

I was sitting on the floor like before I did

My eyes were glittering

My face was strong

No more sorrows

No more pain

Coz

Loneliness doesn’t haunt me anymore

It's already been 15 days since the last year ,2009 has bidden goodbye to us and 2010 has made entry in our lives, but my exams were at special times, thus i am away. Although I am thankful to my exams as first 12 days of my year has gone in studying. So not at all a bad starting for 2010, with books in my hand and loneliness in my mind...........

Here's something in memory of 2009, writing anything after about 2 months, don't know how will it be....?

The year has finally bid goodbye

But deep in my heart it will always stand by

Neither for happiness it has showered

Nor for the sadness it has poured

But for the sake of humanity being again awaken

And the lonely man i have again become

My world has turned upside-down

Amidst which i am standing just like a clown

Watching all the proceedings goin on

My little sand house blowing on

I can not bear this anymore

My sea of frustration has risen above the shore

Alterations have started coming in me

Making me the guy that world wants me to be

I have lost my own self identity

And turned into an indistinguishable entity

In this way loneliness haunts me

Snatching humanity that i carry with me

Each and every moment i mourn for my loss

And all this let evil forces become my boss

But year end was not at all the same

Something has again brighten my inner flame

The flame that remembered me myself

I felt like being rescued by a magical elf

My shattered confidence has came back

Making me strong

Making me indestructible

Giving me back the original me

I still mourn for my loss sometimes

But that pain doesn't make me weak anymore

P.S : Happy New Year 2010 to everyone.........