What I Never Said.....

I never meant to break your heart

Neither i ever want to leave you alone

But i have no choice

Coz from "You" and "Me"

I can only select "You"

And i know that's the right choice

May be you'll never know the truth

May be you'll hate me for the rest of your life

But i don't care

Coz what i care for, is now secure

"You" defines me

"You" completes me

Non-existence is much better than being................ incomplete

(p.s: i don't know what's going on in my mind, but please bear it if you don't like it, coz i am totally messed up nowadays......)

WHEN IT NO LONGER MATTERS

Vritika is in a great mood today. She has been promoted to a higher post and has bagged a handsome salary hike. One other reason for her smiling face being her parents’ accepting her idea of meeting her love’s parents’. Everything was going just perfect for her.

At day's end, as usual she opens up gmail, to share this information with all her friends.

As soon as the gmail popped up in front of her eyes, her smile gets a little faded coz the first mail in her inbox was an e-card from her ex-best friend Prasoon.

They both have been best friends till graduation but as a little mis-understanding always proved fatal for any relationship, same proves here breaking that strong bond. Prasoon had tried many times to persuade her to listen him, but he can’t succeed.

With time things become a little better and they decided to remain casual friends.Thus, now they exchange "hellos" and a little "how are you" stuff only ….

She calmed herself & her finger banged on the delete button,as she don’t wanna spoil her mood today……

A WEEK LATER

Vratika was sitting idle on her lappy and she realized that she hadn’t received any scraps from Prasoon from last many days, further looking in sb makes her aware that he hasn’t been in touch from last 2-3 months…..she faintly remember a day, when she was busy in a meeting arnd 20 days back ,she got a call from him but she cant accept it and then she forget about that ,coz she's too busy with her own life. Her heart was little worried and started pouncing.She quickly opened gmail & went to delete mails folder and hesitatingly opened that old e-card……..

It’s a beautiful card showing some beautiful moments between two friends and in last saying “Bye Forever”. She was shocked and confused,simultaneously…..and her mouth uttered “what th hell is that”.

Then her eyes gazed at the personal message beyond th card, but she can’t stop cursing herself after reading that:

If you get this e-card, it means I am no more in this world…….I know may be you take it as a joke from my side, but this time its true…..so much true that even after so desperately wanting to be with you right now and laugh at these words........I can not……..

Well, I got an injury last year and that will exaggerate to the extent that it will devoid me of my life, I haven’t ever imagined that. Finally, I am flowing to America for my last surgery in which my chances of returning are very less.So I used this card to tell you my ought to be last words that I can’t say directly.

I miss you a lot dear….really , I can’t tell how I am leading my life without my best friend by my side.I miss sharing all those stupid secrets and the small fights that occur almost daily and those college bunks and consoling you when you feel low after scoring badly and that dish that you once cooked all by yourself and................ huhhhh, there's so much of those sweet memories.

You know what trouble me most is that all this came to an end just coz you started loving me and I can’t accept you more than as a best friend and you started thinking that I just used you. I can’t even think in that way ever ……But you never geve me.a chance to explain all this to you.I just wish I can see you & talk with you one last time before leaving, but it seems quite an impossible task but still I will call you for sure before going to the OT ,may be you pick up this time. So that's all crap i wanna utter before you, hope i can see this letter again and laugh at it sitting next to you.Lastly, i would like to say these:

No matter wherever i go

I will always remain by your side

If life remains, then as a supporting shoulder

And if not,then as the wind, that around you glide.

I wish you get all the success & happiness in life .

With all the world’s happiness and regards

Your so called best friend

Prasoon

She got wet in the rainfall of her own tears and sadness, but all that remorse can't undone the things.All possible may be's come in her mind, but she can't get positive result of any of them...........Now, she was left with only memories of him.Prasoon always say : "Friendship between a guy and a gal is a blessing, unless it turns to an one sided love", she always take it as a joke but understand it's meaning now, at a time when it no longer matters.

There's No Dawn For Me

I am fighting

And fighting

And fighting

With this darkness from a long long time.

Again I get bruised, broken and defeated

But making the enemy more weaker

I am so desperate for dawn that I keep trying

Again and again and again

Why??

Why???

Even after putting so much effort

Bearing so much pain

Shedding so much blood

I can’t reach for the dawn till now??

This question was unanswered as always

But a hope that next battle will be the last one

Drives power in my broken body

Battle gets fiercer every time

Demanding more of my blood

And giving more bruises

But this time things get in my control

And finally I won

Yes, I get passed from the darkness

And rode the path leading to the dawn

My victory was sweet but some what bitter too

As I was standing at the line separating

Dark night and the dawn

I see backward and remembered

Whenever darkness was occupied with me

Many weak people who were trapped in darkness

From a long time

Reach for their destination

Easily, effortlessly and

Without shedding their blood

Is it really worth to reach for the dawn??

My absence from darkness means

Many of them will remain trapped in darkness forever

Though my presence in dawn doesn’t matter for anyone

But my presence in darkness

Ensures a safe passage for many

These thoughts overpower my desperation for dawn.

I took a closer look at the dawn and said, “Next time”

I return back

Back to the battle ground

Back to my armors and swords

Coz I realized that the real battle has just begun

All my questions were answered today

As deep inside I now know that:

“There’s Never A Dawn For Me”

.

Loneliness Doesn't Haunt Me Anymore

Locked inside a dark room

My nerves were down

My eyes filled with fear

My face seems pale

Was looking around the dark room

With lost hopes

And shattered dreams

Loneliness haunts me

Suddenly the door opened

Some light blinded my eyes

Beneath the light was a girl

To me she seems like snow white

She clinched my hand

And bring me to outer world

To my surprise

It dusn’t seem so worse

Lyf has changed completely

In an instant of time

Sorrows get replaced by happiness

And tears with smile

To me it’s a new beginning

With a new hope and thinking

My world seems blessed

With a friend like that

The sun sets again

And snatched light from my life too

The person who give me light

Left me alone in that dark night

I tried to figure out the things

But all goes in vain

As my life again proves to me

That its all about losses more than gain

Tired and broken I came back

Thinking of the reasons

That gave me this setback

The light turned off

The room gets bolted

I was sitting on the floor like before I did

My eyes were glittering

My face was strong

No more sorrows

No more pain

Coz

Loneliness doesn’t haunt me anymore

It's already been 15 days since the last year ,2009 has bidden goodbye to us and 2010 has made entry in our lives, but my exams were at special times, thus i am away. Although I am thankful to my exams as first 12 days of my year has gone in studying. So not at all a bad starting for 2010, with books in my hand and loneliness in my mind...........

Here's something in memory of 2009, writing anything after about 2 months, don't know how will it be....?

The year has finally bid goodbye

But deep in my heart it will always stand by

Neither for happiness it has showered

Nor for the sadness it has poured

But for the sake of humanity being again awaken

And the lonely man i have again become

My world has turned upside-down

Amidst which i am standing just like a clown

Watching all the proceedings goin on

My little sand house blowing on

I can not bear this anymore

My sea of frustration has risen above the shore

Alterations have started coming in me

Making me the guy that world wants me to be

I have lost my own self identity

And turned into an indistinguishable entity

In this way loneliness haunts me

Snatching humanity that i carry with me

Each and every moment i mourn for my loss

And all this let evil forces become my boss

But year end was not at all the same

Something has again brighten my inner flame

The flame that remembered me myself

I felt like being rescued by a magical elf

My shattered confidence has came back

Making me strong

Making me indestructible

Giving me back the original me

I still mourn for my loss sometimes

But that pain doesn't make me weak anymore

P.S : Happy New Year 2010 to everyone.........

Kabhi Main Bhi Insan Hua Karta Tha / I Used To Be A Human Once

Ek samay tha jab main bhi jiya karta tha

Kuch sapne aankhon mein liye rakhta tha

Par aaj yaad aata hai wo zamana

Jab main bhi insaan hua karta tha

Is seene mein ek chota sa dil tha

Jo kisi ke liye dhadka kiya karta tha

Par humen mila sirf dard-e-ishq

Wo to kisi aur se mohabbat kiya karta tha

Fir aaj us mohabbat ne yaad dilaya

Ki kabhi main bhi insaan hua karta tha

Doston ke har dard ko unse pehle

Mujhse hokar gujarna padta tha

Par wo dost bhi mujhey ye kehkar tanhan chod gaye

ki tu to hamari bas ek zarurat hua karta tha

Wo tanhan raatein aaj ehsaas karati hain

Ki ek zamane mein main bhi insaan hua karta tha

Duniya har pal mere saath hoti thi

Jab main kaamyabi ke shikhar pe hua karta tha

Par jab-jab thokar khake gira us shikhar se

Mujhe rone ke liye kandha bhi nahin milta tha

Un aansu bhari aankhon ki kasam

Tab main bhi insaan hua karta tha

Aaj ye dil pathar ho chuka hai

Fir bhi mere liye sabka dil dhadakta hai

Mere liye dosti mehez shabd se zyada kuch nahin rahi ab

Fir bhi har koi mujhse dosti ke liye tarasta hai

Ab insaniyat se koi waasta nahin raha mera

Fir bhi har koi mujhe behtar insaan samajhta hai

Is sab ko dekhkar mein hanskar khud se sawal karta hun

Kyun main kabhi ek insaan hua karta tha??

Kyun main kabhi ek insaan hua karta tha??

*****************************

Once upon a time I too used to live

Having some dreams in my eyes

But today I remember that world

When I used to be a human

There was a small heart behind my chest

That used to beat for someone

But I got only pain of love

Coz she used to love someone else

But today that love made me remember

At that time I too used to be a human

All the pain of my friends

Have to pass through me before reaching them

Those friends too leave me alone by saying

That I used to be a mere need of them

Those lonely nights made me realize

At a time I too used to be a human

World was with me always

When I am touching the heights of success

Whenever I fell from that height

I never get a shoulder to even cry

I swear those tear-filled eyes

I used to be human at that time

Today my heart has become rock

Still people’s heart beat for me

Friendship does not remain more than a word for me now

Still everyone desire to become my friend

I don’t have any relation with humanity now

Still the whole world assumes me to be a good and better human

Seeing all this I laugh and ask one question to myself

Why I used to be a human at a time??

Why I used to be a human at a time??

Price Of Not Trusting Him

It is around 11 in night & its raining cats and rain from last 4 days. The lightning was roaring like a wounded lion. Everyone was waiting for this weather to change so that life can turn back on track, people are trapped inside their houses but on the terrace of a 13 Floor building, someone is not cared about it, someone is just trying to hide his broken soul in this lunatic climate. A guy in his early 20’s, was drinking there from the evening.

While taking his first drink, he remembered:

“She: Hey you are the best thing I have ever had in my life, how will I take care of things if you are not with me. You are really a best friend that everyone just dreams of.”

With next one:

“He: I have heard something happen during dance practice today for fest?

She: Arey my dance partner, Alok, he tried to touch me here and there while dancing, I gave him a tight slap and disciplinary committee is too acting against him.

He: I will not leave that bastard, I will…………

She (interrupting him): Don’t do anything yaar, I don’t want you to fall in any trouble and action is taken against him na, so calm down.”

Making another shot of vodka:

“She: Mmmmmm.I have to confess something, but yaar please don’t get angry on this, promise me first.

He: Okk promise.

She: mmmmm actually, I was talking with a guy, I mean with Rohit from last one month. He is really a very nice guy, I have gone on lunch with him too, many times……….actually he proposed me and I have said “Yes”.

He: What?? All this is going from so many days and you are telling me now……..What is this yaar? I mean you hide things from me too…………

She: You have promised something….

He: Ok ok but…….Congrats!!! Yaar.......I wish you two have a great life.”

As he finished another glass:

“She: Yaar today is Rohit’s birthday and he is giving a party at his place, but I am very very ill, I want you to take my gift and give it to him personally…….plzzzzzzz”

“At rohit’s place:

Rohit: You have brought that pill, I have asked for. Once, this go inside her and she gets unconscious, then we both will fuck that bitch. Let her know the consequences of getting you suspended from college.

Alok: You are a true friend dude. I will make her mms too; let everyone see the punishment of that bitch Our plan is nearing the end.”

While routing the whole bottle towards his mouth:

“She: How dare you touch him? He has told me everything……….He is in hospital with so many broken parts…….I have send you for what and you have done what…..

He: But listen to me yaar………he is ……..

She : I just don’t want to listen anything………he has told me many times that you hate him and see him weirdly but I never believe……..I wish I had…..

He: But he was planning to rape you……….

She slapped him in front of everyone, “I never know that you will become so cheap to separate us. I was cursing the day I have made you my friend……….Just get lost from here and never show me your face again…….

He: But…….

She: Just go to hell………..”

With every drink, he was remembering the past…….and bang his fist on the table. His salty tears were getting mixed with the fresh rain water…………he was drinking continuously……

His tears stop and he move towards the edge of terrace, he looked towards heaven and murmured something. Take out his mobile, made a call…….it was disconnected from the other end. He again tried……..again disconnected. After 7 continuous attempts he succeeded

She: Why the hell you can’t let me peacefully?

He: Plz don’t hang up…….I am begging you. (his voice was showing his complete condition)

She: Have you drink?

He: That does not matter…..Actually nothing matters now (laughingly). I know everything is over but I just want to warn you……

She: So Again some new trick?

He: Please don’t hung up…….don’t do it…..don’t…..

She: You are not in a state, we will talk tomorrow….

He: No No No ……..Plz don’t hung up…….I don’t have tomorrow….I just want to say that ………yeah that I just always want to see you happy…………..

(pause)

She: Hello you there……..

He: yeah yeah yeah …………..don’t hung up please…….I just want you to get every happiness of the world…….

(a long pause)

Just stay away from that …….that Rohit……he is Alok’s friend……..and and not a right guy for you…..

You wish me to go to hell na……ha ha ha ha ha so granting you that too

Just take good care……..good care of yourself….

She: Hey don’t do…… (beep beep beep)

Phone disconnected, she tried many times but phone was switched off, The first thing she saw in morning news is:

“A guy, in his early 20’s, fell off the 13^th floor of a building and died on the spot .Further investigations showed that he was quite heavily drunk Most mysterious thing is a note obtained from his jeans having the words: Even court trust the word of a dying person, why don’t you trust mine? ”

P.S: Sometimes it's just not in our hands....we ourself forces us towards destruction.

P.P.S:We should not neglect friend's points when we fall in love...